Home is Still the Same Place, But I am Not the Same Person

“Why are you telling people he raped you?”

I stood there, stunned. I wasn’t fully out yet as a survivor. I went away to college and felt liberated to tell my story there, but not at home where it happened. “W-what?”

She repeated her statement, but I was still dumbfounded. Then, I remembered.

Two-and-a-half months ago, I sat in my dorm room on my high-lofted bed, trying not to cry. I remembered looking at the concrete ceiling. “Why did you tell him?”

My friend, sitting in a chair, shrugged. She looked uncomfortable, but spoke nonchalantly. “I wanted him to know that I knew what he did to you.”

I jumped up. “But now he’s going to…I don’t know what he’s going to do! You should’ve asked!” I wasn’t ready for my rapist to know he was a rapist. I just found out I was raped, myself. She had told my rapist she knew he’d raped me, and nobody asked her to do that.

“Oh, I didn’t know you didn’t want that.” She never said sorry, and we never spoke about it again.

Months later, it was coming to bite me back in the ass. I was at my high school’s alumni party, and one of my classmates had pulled me aside. My rapist had told her I was telling people at my university that he’d raped me, and she wanted to know why I’d say such an outrageous thing. He was looking to save his reputation there, knowing it might be tarnished elsewhere. Three more people that night asked me the same question. My life at home was now gone, sullied by a reveal I never asked for.

Going home in general has always been hard for me. My mother and I have a respectful yet strained relationship, my father and I are still at odds because he feels the rape was my own fault, my grandma’s house feels depressing without my grandma, and my younger brother is going through that weird, adolescence phase where he hates everything. Going away for college was the best decision for me – not only to get ahead in this capitalist society ran by primarily degree-holders, but to get away from a home that was never really a home.

But still, I never thought I’d be ex-communicated for existing in my abused body. Sure, going home wasn’t going to be a priority, but I never expected for locals passively harass me. I wasn’t hurt, but being reminded everywhere I went that I was a survivor was…infuriating. Frustrating. Depressing.

It’s been three years since that happened, and I want to pretend I’ve moved past it, but I’m not there yet. I am becoming more firm in how I handle locals when they try it, but it still stuns me. Two days before Christmas this year, a classmate stopped me at Wal-Mart and tried to catch up. In the midst of the, “How’s school?” she asked, “I heard you’re saying X raped you. What happened?”

I was shaken, but politely told her that she should contact me in a more formal way if she wanted the answer. Silence is abusers biggest accomplice, and I’m not afraid of breaking that silence. But I only want to speak my truth on my terms, and on my time.

Going home is still hard for me. I am reminded of what happened here in my youth, and how no matter how old I get, the past cannot change. But I am changing, and while home is still the same place, I am not the same person.


I Love Black Women!* (*Terms and Conditions May Apply)

Over the past few days, accounts and recordings of police brutality have taken the United States by storm. After what was seen as something getting better, triggering video footage of Alton Sterling being murdered by an officer on duty suddenly re-ignited that flame of prejudice and racism in institutions of power.

Of course though, as with anything pertaining to the #BlackLivesMatter movement, claims of only highlighting cisgender, straight, Black men began to rise. In an attempt to highlight the many women of color who are murdered, sexually assaulted, and traumatized by the judicial system and police officers, the hashtag #SayHerName arose.

Many Black men felt, however, that criticisms that the BLM movement didn’t encompass enough Black identities to be valid was “dividing the community”. In a tweet where one Black man proclaimed he wished that cops killed “Black women instead”, many Black men got mad at Black women for being upset instead of at the tweeter for wishing half of the Black population was dead. And don’t even get me started on the Black men that say Black lives matter but condemn and avoid rallying for Black LGBTQ+ in the same breath. These accusations of non-inclusivity brought up the statement, which can be seen at any time Black women criticize Black men, “I love Black women.”

But, I have to ask: Is this love conditional?

Do Black men really love Black women? Or do they love their idea of what we “should” be? In a world where Black women are policed on their hair, their clothes, their lifestyles, and even how they dance, where is the unconditional love? Is a Black man’s love for a Black woman only limited to when she “plays nice” and is behind the scenes? Or will Black men love us when we’re criticizing them? When we’re not trying to please them?

Most times when I see a Black man say something along those lines, it’s closely followed by him stating the titles of women in his life – “I love my mom, my sister, my girlfriend, my wife, my best girl friend. ect.” It seems as though, to these Black men, that loving the Black women in your life must mean that you love all Black women, right?

Maybe. Or maybe not.

If you only love a group of people that benefit you in some way shape or form, it doesn’t transcend to the rest of the masses. Of course, as a Black man, you’re going to love your Black mother who’s helped provide for you (or, in many cases, been the only one doing so for years), or your romantic partner who adds something a little special to your life (romance and sex), or any other Black woman you deem attractive or who acts in a way that correlates with how you live your life.

But do you love the women who don’t please you? You know, the ones you think are ugly, or the ones you think dress too provocative. Or, how about the one who’s politics you don’t agree with? The trifling ass baby mommas who y’all think just get pregnant to trap you? Are you going to rally for that “hoe” you fucked at that party last week? Are you going to advocate for that annoying Black feminist if she gets murdered? Are you going to care if that prostitute gets killed unjustly? Or are they all exceptions for this rule?

A few days ago, I saw the saddest tweet. A Black man said that he only feel appreciated by his family members or when one another Black man gets killed. And while that broke my heart to know a Black man feels unappreciated by Black women, even though as Black women everything we’ve ever invented and done has benefited Black men, I had to agree from my own life experiences. Because I, too, only feel appreciated when a Black man dies – when I’m standing in front of the cops crying and screaming, when I’m putting myself in front of a bullet for a Black man, that’s when I’m a Beautiful Black Queen™. When I’m suffering pain so a Black man doesn’t have to, that’s when I get told I am loved by a Black man. When I spend all day tweeting about how great Black men are, with no criticisms of how they can sometimes hurt a Black woman’s livelihood, that’s when Black Love exists.

But not when I’m living for my own benefit. Not when I say something a Black man doesn’t agree with – then I’m suddenly a bitter Black girl who needs to get laid. If I’m not doing something that benefits Black men, the love is suddenly nonexistent – it’s even frustrating because even after all the insults Black men throw at Black women, we still stand by them and protect them like we protect ourselves without getting the same treatment in return. This type of unconditional love is what Black women scoff at and have no time for – because we deserve better.

When will I be loved for who I am, as I am, as a Black woman – unconditionally?

Nobody Knows Josi? Well, You Should.

At one point in time, sexual assault (while a serious issue) was only talked about really on college campuses. You’d hear occasionally from media about how workers at a job facility had been assaulted, but other than that…well, r*ape was a college issue. You know, just young boys and girls being overtly sexual and turning sour.

And documentaries such as The Hunting Ground and 30 for 30: Fantastic Lies (both of which can be watched on Netflix!) do a fantastic job of showing how sexual assaults are dealt with on a college campus (while they could highlight how male victims are affected as well, I acknowledge that there’s baby steps to such a serious topic that’s largely been ignored for centuries). But it’s 2016 now, and people are starting to understand that r*ape just isn’t a college issue – it’s a societal one.

Meet Josi Green, a local (not single lol) artist from Chicago who makes some decent music. He recently directed a short film about sexual assault. Granted, it was portrayed in a college setting, but once you watch it you see that it speaks to more than just a house party with kids aged 18-22. You realize that the party could be anywhere and the perpetrators could be anyone.

Filled with great artistic direction and trippy music, the video tackles the part hyper-masculinity plays in our society, drinking culture, and even features a disturbing scene where we see a young lady’s drink get spiked.

I was lucky enough to get an interview with the young artist, and what inspired him to make music, this video and much, much more.

“Well, my father is a DJ and lover of music so I was always around it my whole life,” Green says on how he got inspired in the arts. “I started rapping at the age of 11, just playing around until a mentor told me I should take it more serious. I got to high school and lost inspiration, but soon as I graduated J.Cole dropped a mixtape called The Warm Up. That project made me feel like artists with real content could make it again, so that’s when I started laying down records…I tell stories and present real life experiences through the artistic form of music.”

I asked Green what made him tackle such a hard, gritty, uncomfortable topic, that many people (let alone men) want to usually bring light to. “I had a lot going on between recently finding out my aunt had been r*ped by my grandmothers boyfriend,” he writes. “And this young lady being on my Twitter timeline expressed how she had been drugged at a party and found out that’s how she got pregnant. I saw her kind of confronting the dude and his response was ‘lol, molly ain’t never hurt nobody…stop calling and texting my phone’. I was pissed, and cared so much that I took that anger and turned it into inspiration.”

If you can’t tell his stance on sexual assault by his video, he said it here himself: “I feel like people who do these acts of injustice should pay the price, no matter what color they are. I don’t know the statistic of who’s doing what, I just know r*pe is wrong on all levels.”

What’s interesting is that I actually recalled the situation on Twitter he spoke of – and how disgusted I was with it as well. But it’s interestingly beautiful how Josi managed to turn that heinous crime into a informative, aesthetically pleasing short film.

In the wise words of Josi, don’t be a lame. No means no. And more so, a lack of a no does not equate to a yes.

Josi Green – Wasting Time // Foreplay

Follow Josi on Twitter and listen to his music on Soundcloud!

Shooting your shot – the DOs & the DON’Ts

Well, well, well. Now here’s a topic guaranteed to improve your 2016 year, and maybe get you a lil bae for Valentine’s Day- how to shoot your shot.

What, exactly, is shooting your shot? Well, to be frank, it’s just actively trying to let someone know you’re interested in them romantically. But the trend has started to mean something a bit more – a bit greater, if you ask me. Now girls are beginning to start the trend of making the first move (#movetoboys2016) and it’s no longer acceptable to just like someone romantically in silence.

To shoot your shot means you have courage and guts – because it can be very scary to approach someone (or slide in the DMs) when you like them. But there’s a few of you who just…don’t do it right. At all.

Here’s a list of DOs and DON’Ts when it comes to shooting your shot:

  • DON’T just say “you’re really pretty” or any other basic compliment right off the bat. When you like someone romantically, it’s obvious you’re attracted to them physically – and when the first thing you say is, “Damn, you was looking fine last night.” it gives off the impression of you trying to get just a hook up.
  • DO find a way to start a legit conversation! The most successful way to get someone interested in you is to have a real conversation with them! Something as small as, “Hey, I saw you tweet about liking art – what kind do you like?” or “I always see you coming out of [insert place]. I go there sometimes, too, and it’d be cool if we could link up sometimes and maybe study.” can lead to a real conversation or at least a forum to meet up with said person you’re crushing on. Tip: sometimes you can compliment and get a conversation going by saying something like, ” Hey, I think it’s dope that you’re wearing this, your sense of fashion is cool. Where’d you get that from? How would you describe your style?”
  • DON’T get sexual right off the bat. If your relationship develops, then sure – but upon first getting to know someone, you should not just talk about sex. Some people get creeped out by it, and some just will ignore you altogether. I know I do. Some guy literally asked me to suck his dick while he played 2k within three days of me knowing him, and now he’s a joke between me and most of the women I know. Just don’t do it.
  • DO try and slip in something personal and important about you to see if that person is still on board with who you are. I’m not saying to tell someone you’ve just met that you’re a devout Catholic in extensive detail, but mentioning that you’re busy at church with you family on Sundays can be helpful. I’m a big advocate for not wasting time, and there’s no worse feeling than getting close with someone, realizing they aren’t down with what’s super important to you, and ending up back at square one with a little bit of heartbreak.
  • DON’T be inconsistent. Don’t text them frequently for a week straight and then not talk to them for two weeks after building up a connection. There’s a chance they might’ve moved on if you try to squeeze your way back in, or worse – they’re actually pretty annoyed and pissed with you, and want you and your inconsistent ass nowhere near your life.
  • DO make an effort to really get to know their personality. People sometimes try and flirt with me and by the end of a month, I realize they don’t know anything about me other than my Twitter, where I was raised, and how I feel about socialism. Don’t be that person. Find out their favorite color, what they wanna accomplish in their life someday, or even a small story that made them who they are today. Every conversation should be a small puzzle piece of you figuring out who the other person is and if you like that or not – don’t rush, because you have all the time in the world, but too many people are just talking to people about nothing during the “getting to know you stage”, and that’s why you’re still single.
  • DON’T make this flirting session into a moment to just talk about yourself and your experiences. You should not try and dominate the conversation. This is the easiest way to turn someone off from you – damn near 75% of my friends initial interaction with someone was just them talking about themselves and flexing like shit, and that’s very annoying.
  • DON’T talk about past relationships. At some point, exes are going to come up – but they shouldn’t be one of the first things you know about someone. It comes off as if you’re still in your feelings about your past relationship(s) and there’s no worse way to put yourself off the market than being that person who just talks about their exes. It just doesn’t make you look good.
  • DON’T let your interactions only be tweet/DM/text. At some point, a phone call, a Facetime, Skype or meeting in person has to take place and if you’re unwilling to do that…you don’t need to be seeking out a relationship with anyone in the first place. This isn’t 2009.
I’m not saying shooting your shot is complicated, but the things I’ve heard happen to people…just outright crazy. We’ve got some real clowns out here. But the most important rule I can possible give is be yourself. Don’t be what you think the other person wants you to be – your authentic self is the best way to shoot your shot and not miss, not some polished, fake-smooth person with corny (overused) lines. Shooting your shot only works if you’re being real – not the 100 emoji real, but honestly real (side note: did you know people still used the 100 emoji in a non-ironic way? crazy, right?).

new year, new you, new dick.

hey there, girls! it’s finally 2016, so you’ve probably seen the mass amounts of “new year, new me” tweets/facebook posts/tumblr/whatthefuckever. and while it’s irritating to see, it’s true.

because yall seriously need to get a new attitude this year.

yeah. i said it. yall got some badass habits and ideas that need to stay the fuck in 2015, and i hope 2016 you is a better and improved version. things the new you needs to leave behind in 2015:

twitter dragging

the fact that i even have to type this is irritating. look, there’s always going to be someone we disagree with on something, but do you need to drag them? no. it’s toxic. so take a step back from your phone, and let @eatmyasshoe be dumb in peace. block them. but don’t get your twitter goons to attack them (unless they’re outright racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist). yep, sj twitter, i’m talking to you. chill.

also, stop attacking 15 year olds for using the wrong terminology. they’re 15 and trying to get into a movement that helps the world. correct them. don’t drag them. #LeaveDraggingIn2015


do i need to explain this? sadly, i do. STOP USING THE WORD FEMALE WHEN REFERRING TO WOMEN. firstly, female is a placeholder for bitch. we made a huge deal (and rightfully so) about people using bitch in a derogatory way, so some idiot thought they could be sneaky and just use “female” as a placeholder. guess what? you aint slick. stop using that shit to refer to women and young ladies. we have names, and if you really have an issue asking someone for their name, stay in your room until you realize why you’re childish. women refers to ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND IDEAS, whereas female just means a mammal that has the parts to give birth. also, reducing a woman to her birth giving ability or lack therof is transphobic. #LeaveFemaleIn2015

slut shaming

slut shaming isn’t cool. it never will be. i personally identify with hoeism, and the fact that there’s a negative stigma towards women who have safe, consensual, casual sex is really weird to me. men can sleep with lots of people and they get a damn trophy, but if a woman has a body count over 3, she’s a dirty slut? nah, fam. you tweaking. let people sleep with however many people they want. as long as they’re being safe and consensual, you truly need to shut the fuck up. it’s sex – it’s natural, fun, and healthy. chill out. #LeaveSlutShamingIn2015

body count

which leads me to my next point – body count. body count is LAME and IRRELEVANT. the only bodies that matter in a moment you’re about to fuck someone is yours and theirs. firstly, everyone lies about body count at one point. weather it’s too low, or too high, guess what? YOU CAN’T TELL EITHER WAY. a woman’s sexual organs DO NOT change with the more dick/pussy she takes, and likewise for a man. and someone with 1 body can have an STI/STD while someone with 13 bodies can be clean. so stop pretending it’s about STD awareness, and stop bringing up body count as a reason why you don’t like someone. body count is literally a stigma that was made to control a woman’s sexual activities and this should’ve been left in 500 BC if we’re being real and honest. #LeaveBodyCountIn2015


okay, okay. i know my twitter name has woke in it, but it’s more of a joke than anything. it’s okay to use woke (it’s easier to type than “socially conscious”) occasionally, but when yall get to using it as a reason as to why you’re better than someone, it gets crazy and childish. i swear yall take every good thing and make it bad. half of yall are fake woke. anyway. #LeaveWokeIn2015


no explanation here. just stop exposing. yall know better. #LeaveExposingIn2015


all of these things are highly disturbing and if i see any of you fools doing this shit im going to have to fry you. im sorry. so sit back, chill the fuck out, and instead of hurting feelings get yourself some fresh, new dick, and have a good beginning of the 2016 year.

the “other woman” gets hurt, too.

First, let me start this off by saying that I do not condone cheating in any way, shape or form. If you are knowingly participating in a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with a person who is in a relationship, you are not innocent in the least. 

Do you ever just hear a story – the same story – over and over again, and wonder if there’s another side to it? Maybe it’s just the way I think, but I never hear a singular story and apply it to life. It’s not fair to the participants, and anyone else it may affect.

I want to talk about a story something people – women – get uncomfortable talking about: cheating. Specifically, being the side hoe. What is, exactly, The Side Hoe’s Story?

I’d say it happens to only a few of us, but lately I’ve been noticing that a lot of “side hoes” get a bad rap. There’s this idea that the majority of women are here on earth to destroy relationships, when often times, we had no idea the fuckbuddy/significant other had a main girl the entire time.

We always hear about the wife, or the girlfriend’s side of the story. And yes, I’m sure it’s sad knowing your man cheated on you, but…I feel as if there’s another person’s pain we’re ignoring. The other woman’s.

I’ve asked a few girls how they felt who were unknowingly being the other woman – meaning, they thought they were fucking/talking/dating a single person, but found out that they were just an accessory to their nigga’s outfit.

What exactly happened?

“I just wanted sex from him and he was aware of that. I found out over Twitter. I randomly ran across a picture his girlfriend posted with the caption “happy three months!” I ended our friendship and relationship as soon as I saw.” – Nicole, 18

“I ‘dated’ this guy for about nine months. He was much older and I was 16-17… I look on FB one day and him and his ex are back in a relationship! All of the comments are like, “But when did y’all ever break up?” And I’m just sitting there; like,  I lost my shit immediately. I was physically sick.”  -Kalyn, 18

“We were friends for a really long time, then we stopped speaking, but we rekindled our friendship and I began to have feelings for him. He told me he broke up with the girl, so I felt like I could finally have him, but when I went over to his house there was a love letter from her to him hanging on the pinboard in his room.” – Anonymous, 19

“We met at a party and immediately clicked, we exchanged numbers and as we got to know each other decided that it’d be cool to start actually talking/dating. I watched his snap story and saw a picture of him and some girl – and a baby – talking bout ““. So I asked around and that baby was indeed his and the girl was his “ex”. I confronted him and he said that he does in fact have 2 kids and despite what it looked like, him and the mom were not getting back together … Even though I clearly watched their kissing video on snap.” -Deja, 18

And me – we met at a party once, and I thought his name was cool. Saw him about a week later, and he asked me for my number, and then we chilled on some “let’s just have sex” shit, and he told me he was single as hell. I’m chilling with my sister, and his name comes up, and I find out he’s had a whole girl for, like, months. I broke it off with him, told the girl, and somehow, someway, the girl doesn’t like me. Still baffled, but that’s life.

What do you even do in a situation like that? Do you tell the girlfriend (I did, and the results were less than picture perfect)? Do you end it and keep quiet, but risk it coming out and you looking like an accomplice, even if you’re not? Do you confront the guy face to face, and let him know that you’ve peeped his shit? Do you blast him on social media and let the world know he does shit like this (I recommend not doing this, people will come for you quicker before they come for him, surprisingly).

Clearly, not all women in situations like this know what was up, or even have an inkling that it would happen to them. Another issue, however, is that the girlfriend often times attacks the woman who didn’t know she existed in the first place. Why is the main chick getting mad at the clueless side chick? Shouldn’t y’all, um, like band together and be single bad bitches in your own right, and leave the guy alone? Why entertain him at all after he lied to you? Of course, that’s just my opinion.

To the girls out there who get mad at the “other woman” when it was their man who convinced them that you were not a factor in anything…congrats, you played yourself. Not only is this foolish, but, you’re ignoring the fact that you’re with a man who doesn’t respect you enough to claim you…or maybe you do realize that deep down, but you’re so afraid to confront him about it, you feel the need to take your anger out on – in my opinion – a woman as innocent as you.

It’s sad, because often times, the side chick who thought she was a main feels unwanted on every end possible. She can’t turn to women, because she’s painted as a homewrecker, and she clearly can’t go back to the person she was fucking around with. I know me, personally, I was confused and stuggling with if I even had a right to feel sad. I was dragged along and made to look foolish – but clearly his main had to feel ten times worse. Was I inadvertently insulting her by feeling sad for myself?

I asked a few men what they thought about it, but I was met with immediate, “I’ve never been in a situation like that,” or “Only immature boys do that,” which I did find a little weird. The one line all the girls I asked seemed to have got (in some variation) is, “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” which I found even weirder. No boys lie about having a girlfriend, but every other girl has a story of a man doing it to her. Hm. Something to ponder.

But, seriously – do you all think that if the “other woman” doesn’t know about you because your man doesn’t mention you that the cheating is still partially her fault? Why or why not? Feel free to respond to me on Twitter, my email, or in the comments.

your skin routine sucks, b.

soooooo many of yall really don’t know how to take care of your skin. some of yall do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to just get rid of your acne. let me let you in on a little secret:

no matter how much you try, you will get a bump every now and then. it is okay. it is normal. you are human.

BUT here’s some tips to avoid them from happening so close together.

know your damn skin type

this sounds basic, but KNOW YOUR SKIN TYPE. there’s typically four – combination, dry, normal, and oily. they’re pretty self-explanatory. but you can’t do much to stop acne if you don’t even know what your skin acts like.

dry skin – obviously, your skin is hella dry girl. you need to moisturize. seriously, after you wash your face at night and in the morning (yes, both, b) you need to put on a lotion. preferably one for dry skin. what i think works really well is to put on a cream and a sealant (butters and oils) at night, and in the morning put on a thick lotion. you might need to still rehydrate your skin throughout the day a bit, but never skip out on moisturization. beware of over-exfoliating. you’re already prone to getting wrinkles because of your dryness. be careful with hot, steamy water near your skin because steam can dehydrate it.

normal skin – congrats, you’re basic. honestly, this is the easiest skin type to have. wash your face regularly, clean your pillowcases, moisturize moderately, and you’re good to go. the only tip is honestly to not overdo or underdo it. you have no reason to. you’re normal.

oily skin – first things first – do not skip out on moisturizing. it sounds weird, but having oily skin doesn’t mean don’t moisturize. it means moisturize lightly.  wash your face using oily skin facial wash – usually, it’s filled with things that help with controlling oil. your moisturizer shouldn’t be heavy, creams or butters – a normal, light moisturizer should do the trick. your skin will actually try and overcompensate and make more oil if you skip out on putting lotion on your skin. but, you need to exfoliate…and often. your skin has a tendency to get dull due to the oil production so you need to exfoliate at least twice a week. also: oil blotting sheets are your friend. get them.

combination skin – self-explanatory. depending on what type of combination you have, just apply the tips above to the designated areas. oily t-zone but dry cheeks? heavy creams on your cheeks, light moisturizers on your nose and forehead. make sure your facial wash is moderate – you don’t want anything too harsh or irritating, regardless of what skin types you have. it’s not that complicated.

obviously, your skin routine will vary because no one’s skin performs in one specific way. but these are just the basics. i know girls that literally don’t even know what skin type means. here are some other things that work really well on all skin types:

  • aloe vera gel – calms redness, brightens skin, reduces acne, and moisturizes
  • witch hazel – a great toner, reduces acne, reduces puffy eyes, and refreshes skin
  • diaper rash ointment – spot treatment for acne
  • baking soda -great exfoliant, reduces acne, and skin brightener


also: boys. stop thinking caring for your face is “feminine”. it isn’t. get a grip.

ayesha curry – you ain’t slick, boo.

let me start of by saying: ayesha curry gotta chill.

then let me follow up with: black men who understand racism but not sexism (your average black man) gotta chill, too.

no, seriously. every day i get on this damn site and i see nothing but black men, YES BLACK MEN, fighting racism but actively participating in sexism. wyd fam?

this, however, particularly infuriated me. ayesha curry, steph curry’s wife, went on a cute little tweeting spree where she proclaimed that she’d choose “classy over trendy” and that “not wearing clothes” must be in nowadays, among other things. since a lot of you don’t seem to understand the outrage, i’ll do a bit of a translation for you all before getting into the meat and potatoes.

“I’ll take classy over trendy anyday!”

translation: “i’ll take classy (me being covered up) over trashy anyday!” boo, we see what you did there. you equated being nude and less clothed to trashy, which you (not so slickly) covered up by using the word “trendy”. you like to be more covered up? cool, ma. but don’t shame other girls that want to wear what they want, how they want, when they want, and for who they want.

“Everyone’s into barely wearing clothes these days huh? Not my style. I like to keep the good stuff covered up for the one who matters.”

translation: “yall hoes let everyone see your body? ew, only my man can see my body.” ah, ah, ah. once again, we peep ya, sis. you acting like showing your body off is a lesser form of self expression, when for some women, it’s empowering. you and ya man’s situation is cool, but it’s not the standard, nor should it be.

now, i could go on and on about why what she said was hurtful and not okay in the least, but i won’t. for one, i just explained it and honestly anyone who’s taken 10th grade english can peep the rhetoric (the “pure girl vs. hoe” argument is old and dated). but i’m not too pressed about what she said (girls like her say shit like that all the time). i’m upset about the black men.

yall took the time, effort, and energy to take this ONE WOMAN’S preference (which, she worded incorrectly, but still) and used it as a vice to further police a woman’s sexual choices. “well, ayesha said she wants to cover up her body, so all you women who don’t are lesser and therefore worthless. my opinion is validated because a woman said it, by the way.” that’s not how this works, boy.

i am sick and tired of seeing my black men, the same black men i fight for and rally for and live to protect, slander women’s sexual liberation choices. every. damn. day. you’re constantly feeding into a system that oppresses us, and when we speak up on it, we’re just “bitter hoes”. well, let me tell you something, “i got rejected by every girl i’ve liked so now i project my anger onto every woman” twitter:


look. yall can try and say, “it’s just her preference!” all you want, and that may be true, but it’s really your preference. there’s been a negative stigma against women who don’t cover up as much for centuries, and you neanderthals are still holding on to it. it’s 2015. we, as women, can express our bodies and sexuality how we want. not how you want. so keep on pretending that the reason you’re single is because every girl is a hoe. your ass is single because you want a dog you can dress up and train, not a woman with thoughts and actions that are not your own.

it’s perfectly fine and okay to want to dress modestly! of course there are girls out there who just naturally prefer to be covered up. i think that’s great, and i think that it’s important to mention. but i also think that you all have to realize that many women do this out of fear of being called hoes, sluts, ect. you can be a sexually liberated girl just as much in a mini skirt as you can in a skirt that touches the ground. but you all have got to stop shaming women who choose the former.

the key to your liberation is our liberation, and we can’t be free until you all let us. stop trying to control black women’s sexuality the same way the white man tries to control your life. it isn’t fair, and quite frankly, it’s 2015. we still shouldn’t be dealing with this.


he isn’t feeling you. i’m sorry, boo.

we have all been there. you know what i’m talking about. thinking that some boy likes you, maybe he’s feeling you just like you’re feeling him, but in reality…he ain’t. the friendzone isn’t just for guys, us girls can land in there, too – and that’s okay! no one is obliged to like you romantically. but sometimes us humans tend to think that there are feelings there when there’s none at all. here are some obvious signs he isn’t into you at all:

he calls you bro, fam, g, or any other nigga term

look here, ladies (and men). because you like said fuckboy so much you’re gonna try and twist it as, “oh, he’s calling me a friendly term, he must be comfortable around me.” guess what? he is comfortable around you. too comfortable. he sees you as a friend, and if he can only manage to call you a bro term, he isn’t feeling you. fun story: i once had a guy i was crazy over call me fam while we were fucking. and for some reason, my dumb ass was shocked when i found out he didn’t like me. wow.

lack of chivalry 

this should go without saying, but if he can’t open a door for you, he probably doesn’t like you like that, girl. you might be like me, and not notice it, because you’re so used to opening your own doors, or standing next to the street, or walking home in the dark alone, but if he doesn’t show basic politeness, he doesn’t care as much as you think he does. i’m a very big feminist, and i am in no way saying a guy has to do these things all the time – but if he’s never done them for you, you’re just a friend (and he’s pretty impolite).

he only hangs out with you in secret

bitch, really? first of all, he’s ashamed of you, and you should not be crushing on, or even fucking a guy who wants to keep you a secret. lots of guys pull the whole, “i don’t like people in my business” card, but what he really means is, “i’m just trying to smash.” you’re not even a friend at that point, you’re just a fuckbuddy. guys talk, trust me – and if you notice his friends don’t know who the hell you are or he avoids showing you to them in the first place, he does not like you in a respectful way, sis.

it’s been more than a 2 months and he hasn’t asked you on a proper date

this might just be a personal thing, but if it’s been more than 8 weeks of you two “chilling” and he hasn’t asked you to go out on a cute lil date (or even be his date to a party!) he is definitely just trying to be your friend. you can try and fool yourself all you want and think he’s just taking things slow, but the fact of the matter is, he hasn’t done the single most important thing you do when you like someone – initiate the first date.

no physical action/inappropriate physical action

okay, this one can be tricky. because i know tons of guys that have been physical with me, but there’s been no romantic attraction at all. basically, it all comes down to how respectful he is with his physicality (if there’s any at all!). clearly, if he isn’t making a move to touch you, or even hold your hand, he’s keeping it friendly, ladies. but if by the third time he sees you he’s touching your ass, or getting grabby, he’s just trying to fuck. if he really likes you, he’ll kiss you (not make out, but kiss), hug you (a real, long hug, not a bro hug), or do something as sweet as put his arm around you when you two are walking.

he doesn’t compliment you

this sounds petty, but it’s real. i sent this one guy like 4 selfies of me, and he didn’t acknowledge a single on of them. did it a day or two later with a different set of pictures, and still nothing. if he has never said a simple, “hey, you look nice today.” he is just your friend, girl. but honestly? if he really likes you, he’ll be a little less generic with his compliments. like, “your hair is really nice today, did you do a twist out?” or “i like when you wear yellow, because it’s a pretty color on you.” or “i like the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh.” if he only compliments you on your ass, or boobs, he’s just trying to fuck, sorry.

doesn’t make an effort to get to know you

this one can slip by so easily. when you’re attracted to someone, you get so wrapped up in their looks and their charm, you may not realize…they haven’t asked you a single question about yourself. i once left a guy’s crib knowing that he had a family blueberry farm, his favorite color (green), and the sports he did in high school, but all he knew about me was my name. if he isn’t concerned with knowing things about you, he is not only disrespectful, but just a friend (and a bad one, at that). someone who likes you, romantic or platonic, is willing and eager to know your favorite color, your passion, your middle name, or shit, even your curl pattern. i’m not saying you have to leave the first meeting with him knowing your life story, but damn – he has to know something important about you.

here’s a few people comments on what they do or when they realized that they were the only one in their feelings:

“I never let one of my friends come in my room. I can’t give her any hope.” – @St33zyxSaleen

“When a guy tells you something embarrassing, and keeps getting awkward when you try and flirt.” – @Just_Ashley13

these, of course, are all the main signs i feel like people tend to look over because we’re so infatuated. there’s hella more, to be honest – like him not texting back, a lack of good morning/night texts, not flirting back with you, and outright telling you he isn’t interested. know any more? put some in the comments, and save someone an embarrassing encounter!